Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
