I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
