Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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