The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
