we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Randomize
