be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
