he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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