Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
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did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
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A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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