The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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