Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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