your thong is hanging out like whoa
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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