I will die if light touches me.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Operation Purity has been aborted
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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