please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
