I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
