I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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