It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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