My first STD was from a foam party
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
