Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
