you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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