i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
