I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
