you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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