it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
