Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
