Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
