Your face is a jimmy john
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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