When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life