i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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