Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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