So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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