I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
