do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just want to make out with him forever
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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