i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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