i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
