My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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