you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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