last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
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Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
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And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Shame - the story of my life.
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