I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
