You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Terrible idea I love it
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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