and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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