I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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