wat bout pragnant strippers??
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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