Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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