i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
