im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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