I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
