Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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