ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
