I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
