I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Soap is not a condiment
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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