the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
