I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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