Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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