tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
