i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
