my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Houston, we have a squirter
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
